The Truth Hurts
Ouch!! That is what happens with truth hits you in the face. The truth can be quite painful sometimes. Recently my oldest son has started saying things like I feel like I don't belong. He has gone on to find some cute little metaphors like " I feel like the 9th slice of pizza in a 8 slice pizza". He is autistic. This official truth has only come a few weeks ago. But the real truth is this is something that I have known about my son for a very long time. The hurtful truth is that sometimes....in really dark times.....usually in a middle of a 3 hr meltdown where my son is rocking back and forth and the only communication he has is grunting at you....I wish he was normal.
That unspoken truth in my head is a painful thing for a mother to admit. That you wish that your child is something other then what they are. That when the phone rings and it is the school you don't think oh no my child is sick. No the truth is every time I see my son's school on my phone my heart sinks to my knees. I know that something small, that wouldn't even phase another child, has sent my child into a extended meltdown. Or that something as small as the lights flickering has sent him into sensory overload and he the only way he can cope with it is curl up in a ball rocking back and forth and grunting. That after 2 hrs even his wonderful aide has given up on the day with him. The uglier truth is what happened in his previous school system with him. That I will save for a rainy day blog.
I belong to many online sites. One of them is site devoted to moms. On this site I have found some of the best friends imaginable. On the flip side I have seen some really mean things. The past few weeks have been posts about special needs children. The main theme is typically along the line of why should your kid get away with "murder" at school while mine does not? Why do you think that your kid deserves special treatment or assignments or "passes" at bad behavior? Some even go as far as to say that the only thing wrong with your child is you and your parenting. The painful truth is I wish they were right. I was it was something I could fix by being a better parent.
Truth be told I adore my son. After years of giving up on getting a formal diagnosis. Years of fighting schools. Years of having people go "you should just spank him more". The truth about my son isn't his diagnosis. It is what everybody who works with him tells me. That they adore him. That he has a special place in their hearts. What a great kid he is. Truth is I wish everybody could see beneath the autism that makes him seem like a bad kid from time to time. The real truth about my son is how wonderful he really is.
Moki
I think every SN parent goes through these feelings sometimes....I know I do. I go through the whole "what ifs"....What if his body didn't fail him? What if he could see better? What if he could just eat without a fight and on and on? I think it is a natural coping method. There is no wrong or right feelings in parenting a special needs child it is just what it is. You don't really wish he was different from who he is you just wish an easier life for him and your family. I just want you to know you are not alone in these feelings I promise there are thousands of other mothers who feel exactly the same at any given moment.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the blogging world (this is Sarah Nolan, btw).
ReplyDeleteI've "known" you for a long time because of that very site you mentioned...a site that I'm not longer part of because it was causing me to lose faith in humanity. You are a strong woman and to have to raise a SN child is just proof to that strength.I don't have any SN kids, but sometimes I wish, at one point or another on any given day, that one of my kids that is acting weird would just be normal. It's something I think we ALL wish for, even with "normal" kids. You are an awesome mom and he is an awesome kid. To hell with the rest of the world.
Oh, Moki. :( *hugs* I admire you for your strength. It's not easy to do what you do but you do it with grace! He's as lucky to have you as his Mum as you are to have him. <3
ReplyDeleteYou are such a great mom! I haven't been where you are but I know what you've gone through the past few years. You have never stopped fighting for him and doing you're very best. He is wonderful...exactly for who he is and what he will become.
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